Actually Asten

I had one of those moments today where everything just felt like too much.

Nothing actually happened — which almost made it more confusing. I was just sitting there, and suddenly my brain went into overdrive. Thoughts everywhere, that overwhelming feeling in my chest, like I needed an escape from something I couldn’t even properly explain.

But I think I understand it now.

I don’t think it was random.

I think it’s the wedding.

Not in a bad way — in a this really matters to me way.

It’s this huge, beautiful, life-changing thing… and my brain has basically gone, “Okay, this is important, let’s panic about it just in case.”
Excitement and fear have kind of mixed together, and instead of just feeling happy, I ended up feeling overwhelmed.

It wasn’t danger.
It was my brain reacting to something big.

And once I realised that, something shifted.

I didn’t magically fix everything, and I didn’t suddenly feel perfect. But I started to calm down. I put some music on — those really cheesy 90s love songs at first — and then ended up back in my usual stimmy bops. And slowly, without forcing it, my body just… settled.

The thoughts got quieter.
The feeling passed.

And I realised something really important:

I come back down.

Even when it feels intense, even when it feels scary, I always find my way back to okay. Not by solving everything, not by having all the answers — just by letting it pass and giving myself something safe to land on.

Today, that was music.

Other days, it might be something else.

But it still works.

I think that’s what I’m trying to hold onto right now. Not “what if this happens again?” or “what if I feel like this in the future?” — just the proof that when it does happen, I can get through it.

I already did.

So yeah… I had a spiral today.

And then I didn’t.

And right now, I’m calm. I’m listening to music. I’m okay.

And that’s enough. 💖